Because It's Important

I have changed my plans. I have not done what I have set out to do. I had a plan for this summer, for these next few months, but my plans have changed now. I'm going to be moving to a different state for 8 weeks. I need to re-evaluate what I can accomplish in this new surrounding and with a new workload.

I'll be teaching a summer camp, it'll take up a lot of my time.

I want to remain anonymous. I am Calvin. That's important to me, and it consumes me at times–thinking about my anonymity... my identity that I don't want anyone to know.

I've left many traces. I've linked this profile to my reddit account. But I stay anonymous there as well.

I'm just trying to remain me. To remain an identity that I wish I could have. Something I'm not. I can document that as well.

I recently went to talk to a Catholic youth minister in my town. I had some questions for her, mainly about social issues. I started off asking about women's role in the church. I expected a short answer, but she got into all the reasons women might be limited in the church in terms of power. She was very thorough in explaining how Jesus did not choose a woman to replace judas and a bunch of other reasons why women can't be priests (which I really didn't ask about). I disagreed with what she said but really didn't care how she justified it, it is all the same to me.

I think I asked about contraceptives next. She answered me well. I disagree with everything she said, but she explained how sex should bring life and contraceptives don't. She said it's okay if women have to use birth control, but that they should explore other options before committing to a contraceptive as the only choice.

I asked about gender some, and about gay rights. She got into some of that on her own, but I prodded a bit here and there.

She didn't say anything dramatic. I didn't openly disagree, I just sort of bounced the other side off of her from a devil's advocate point of view. She didn't explicitly say the other side was stupid or wrong, just that there was a disagreement of morals in all the cases. I asked about politics and she explained how the social issues and political issues collide.

I asked if the youth are not doing as much because of these social stances, and she said no.

It's all bullshit.

I don't know why I went, what I expected to find. I could talk to the priest, she said that could be helpful for me. I don't think so, I mean what would I say.... I'm bisexual and I don't think pre-marital sex is a bad thing? I don't have any idea what the point of that conversation would be. I could argue that the church hurts people with these regressive views about sex, sexuality, and gender, but what's the point? They would just argue that the rest of us have some mental issue that Jesus can cure. Or we can just pray enough to stop being who we are.

Fuck that shit.

That's a bit about my identity I guess. I hate defining myself, but I also am not afraid of who I am.

Why... There is so much to do. I am going to miss this place for 8 weeks because it's important. I'm confused and hurt because it's important. It is important.

thought thought thought thought thought thoughts everybody

Why have I been doing?

What have I been doing?

all of this is not clear

I’ve been wandering aimlessly

Identity has been on my mind

But why worry about identity? Identity is the mask of substance

What makes up a person is what defines their being, what defines who they are.

I can call myself whatever I want, I can view myself however I want, I can be whoever I want inside my head. Whatever people see is what I am.

Despite my best efforts, people will see me in their own way, informed by their own experiences of people like me. Is that fair? Maybe not. Is it wrong? Definitely not.

My identity concerns me. It worries me that I am unsure of who I am or what I want or where I’m headed or where I’ve come from. I don’t totally understand the trajectory of my life. Nobody does. But I am painfully aware that I do not. Why? Why can I not know? Who stops me? I do.

Why have I been doing what I have been doing/////

What is this blog

What is this one place where I can slowly define who I am.

It is a chance to be anonymous. It is a chance to say “FUCK ALL I HAVE THESE EMOTIONS AND I WANT NOBODY AND EVERYBODY TO SEE THEM”

Fuck you

Fuck you.

I    –    – - – - –

Fuck you =

I am going to make some cool shit

I will make some cool shit

That is my promise

Cool shit

Shit

June is a month

June is a month to make a long term plan

TO make a plan for the rest of my life

LOL AT THAT HUH M8