I have changed my plans. I have not done what I have set out to do. I had a plan for this summer, for these next few months, but my plans have changed now. I'm going to be moving to a different state for 8 weeks. I need to re-evaluate what I can accomplish in this new surrounding and with a new workload.
I'll be teaching a summer camp, it'll take up a lot of my time.
I want to remain anonymous. I am Calvin. That's important to me, and it consumes me at times–thinking about my anonymity... my identity that I don't want anyone to know.
I've left many traces. I've linked this profile to my reddit account. But I stay anonymous there as well.
I'm just trying to remain me. To remain an identity that I wish I could have. Something I'm not. I can document that as well.
I recently went to talk to a Catholic youth minister in my town. I had some questions for her, mainly about social issues. I started off asking about women's role in the church. I expected a short answer, but she got into all the reasons women might be limited in the church in terms of power. She was very thorough in explaining how Jesus did not choose a woman to replace judas and a bunch of other reasons why women can't be priests (which I really didn't ask about). I disagreed with what she said but really didn't care how she justified it, it is all the same to me.
I think I asked about contraceptives next. She answered me well. I disagree with everything she said, but she explained how sex should bring life and contraceptives don't. She said it's okay if women have to use birth control, but that they should explore other options before committing to a contraceptive as the only choice.
I asked about gender some, and about gay rights. She got into some of that on her own, but I prodded a bit here and there.
She didn't say anything dramatic. I didn't openly disagree, I just sort of bounced the other side off of her from a devil's advocate point of view. She didn't explicitly say the other side was stupid or wrong, just that there was a disagreement of morals in all the cases. I asked about politics and she explained how the social issues and political issues collide.
I asked if the youth are not doing as much because of these social stances, and she said no.
It's all bullshit.
I don't know why I went, what I expected to find. I could talk to the priest, she said that could be helpful for me. I don't think so, I mean what would I say.... I'm bisexual and I don't think pre-marital sex is a bad thing? I don't have any idea what the point of that conversation would be. I could argue that the church hurts people with these regressive views about sex, sexuality, and gender, but what's the point? They would just argue that the rest of us have some mental issue that Jesus can cure. Or we can just pray enough to stop being who we are.
Fuck that shit.
That's a bit about my identity I guess. I hate defining myself, but I also am not afraid of who I am.
Why... There is so much to do. I am going to miss this place for 8 weeks because it's important. I'm confused and hurt because it's important. It is important.